Time, Time

I still remember three years ago, when I fell into the darkness that summer, all my friends and family told me: “Time will bring away all your sadness, and you will get over it someday.”  I didn’t believe it, I was so young and hopeless. However, half year later, that “someday” arrived.

I always know that time will heal a lot of things. I know that today you are madly in love with somebody, and someday you will marry another person. I know that even only time can tell if you’ve made a good decision or not. But all these things sound kind of cruel to me since life is too short. Thus, I always go with my feelings, trying to make everything straight right away…as a result, I fall again,  and again. Then I blame myself badly that “why couldn’t you be more patient?!”, and start to hate being myself.

Time is too strong to fight against…How I wish I could remember all those names, moments, people, emotions…How I wish I could keep something or someone forever…Time is forcing me to accept the fact that life is actually moving on every second.

Finally, it’s all gone. My memories fall into pieces.

For all those questions that cannot be answered yet, I leave them to time.

 

P.S:

1.I worked late and went home in the rain, so the pool was almost empty when I arrived. I enjoyed a whole lane for about 500 meters! Felt like I was really swimming in the ocean.

2. I had a rooftop BBQ with some friends on tuesday night. We had some Canadian beer and watched sunset through the Manhattan skyline…everything in our view was not only about New York City, but also dreams, goals, and a better life…

 

 

 

 

 

Monday is a New Start

Monday is a New Start, I mean it, really.

I am a faulted person, and I accept it. I am not smart, I was not a good student, I’ve never done anything to make my family proud of me. But if there’s a time machine to turn back the time, I probably would make the same mistakes, I would still leave China for Europe, leave Europe for New York, and I probably would end up like this.

So I decide to stop complaining . Every sign around me is showing that it is extremely important to focus on my career currently, there’s no time to waste. I want a lot of money, I don’t care about clever and funny. Though rich people always have some parts that are clever or funny.

And actually today is a great day, I did so much work at the office and then met up with some English classmates in a Irish pub, had some interesting talk.  The only thing that bothers me is the Hamburger I ate in the pub, it was too huge to eat, the size ruined my appetite :S

P.S:

I put on that damn crystal ring! ( I thought my finger was too fat to wear it before, and it actually looks great!)

LOVE or HATE, all up to you.

 

 

 

 

 

Lost cause

Today I eventually accept the fact that I am a looser.

This is my life, from the moment when I was born, it has all been decided.

I miss my cousin who died in a car accident 9 years ago. Damn, she has been gone for 9 years. She is the most beautiful and talented ladies I’ve ever seen…but I know that she was not happy with her life before she left.

She loved me so much and came back to my dream twice…but it’s been a long time… Today I realize that maybe it is good to let her go. Because that is the only way she could start a new and a better life.

She is another person now living somewhere in this big wide world.

I believe so.

Give me sometime I could let myself go. You know you cannot change your destiny. You know that probably you don’t deserve anything and anyone.

Wings

I am not sure if I should write something now. It is already 2 am, on the first day of June.

I just came back from a Karaoke night with some friends. They are awesome people and we had a great time.  Every time when they get something, they want to share with me. I doubt if I am the only one who is selfish in the world.

I talked with a big man today about what I want my life to be. I trust him somehow but I cannot make him trust me, and the problem is that I don’t even know how to convince him to find a way for me.  If he gave me a shot, I would try my best to make it happen. But what if not?

My favorite London girl got a great job. She is a nice girl, hard-working, thinking-ahead, so that is the reward from life. Her happiness reminded me of the time when I got my job five months ago. But now my heart is stray. You know in different stage of you life, you will want different things, and you will always want it better.

To be stray again is a good thing, but I can’t stuck with it for so long. I need to find the light soon. I don’t have much time left, I am turning 25.

Another thing I want to mention is that I remember when I was around 10 year old, one of my friends found a little injured bird fell on her balcony. She saved her life but didn’t want it to fly away, so she took out all its feathers and kept her as a pet. She was glad to have such a cute company and thought it would never leave her. However, one day she told me the bird flew away without a sound, because its wings grew back.

I cut off my wings last year, and I am waiting them to grow up. But I am not planning to fly away, because I know no matter what happens, someone will always anchor me back down… Actually I just want my wings back, so I will become a more complete and a stronger person.

P.S:

I haven’t smoked for more than two weeks already…seems this time I can really get rid off smoking. yeah.

Summer Breeze

I felt summer in the air when I walked out of the class tonight.

Couples of classmates were talking about how to spend the summer since it’s the last week of this semester. But the summer breeze melted me. I just couldn’t wait to jump into the air! With Benjamin Leftwich‘s music on, I walked crossed the street and headed home directly.

The breeze reminded me of my past summertimes. While I was walking, everything around me started to disappear in my memories.

I thought of Europe, the first day when I arrived in Amsterdam, seeing the first sunlight from the window of the flight passage; I thought of Greece, I was wandering along the Kamari Beach, staring at stars, seeking ways of my life; I thought of high school, I was on my way home with all my buddies.We had never left our small town before but started to talk about how big the world is; I thought of my university, how many nights I was walking like this alone, dreaming someday I would get out of China…These were just some moments that buried in the back of my mind, someday they will all be forgotten. Though I still remember the latest summer, the moment when I saw him and I knew it was him.

Summer stories are so cliche. And I always live through it alone anyway.

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone. “(Orson Welles)

So it is just nothing more than an illusion.

 

Music Night

I spent a whole night with my guitar.

The only thing that could take me out of  any awful situation is my guitar.

His name is Dean. He knows all my laughters and tears. He has seen my heaviest emotion, and experienced my toughest depression.

He murmurs to me when I am down, and sings together with me when I am happy.

We are waiting for the same thing,  though the whole world is going to dump me, he is mine.

It’s Time

I had brunch at the boathouse in Central Park today. My roommate and his mother brought me here, and we’ve talked about our lives for hours. It was probably one of the greatest conversations in my life so far. They are typical New Yorkers, I am just a small town girl from nowhere in China, so you can imagine how  much I’ve learned from them.

I always deem that you cannot be a better person just by learning from the mistakes you made by yourself, it is necessary to listen to, to ask for, and to learn from other people’s mistakes, especially when they are older than you.

When we are young, we always think someone is much cooler than us. But what is really cool? Sleeping with 10 guys is not cool, getting tired of working and obsessed with riding motorbike is not cool, horsing around in different bars at weekends is not cool, looking down people who like you is not cool, taking advantage of someone who is willing to help is not cool…but you can only realize that when you get older. Are you really cool when you at your 20s? Time will tell.

So stop judging others. Why do people judge? Because they never have the courage one has.  We judge one because we will never be able to do the same thing that he does.

Once more, I read the letter that I wrote to myself three years ago. Never ever I thought I would come to New York City and the guy who I mentioned in the letter has already gone with the time.

There aren’t no mistakes in life.

There is never a decent guy you can meet in clubs or bars that you could call “the one”.

There is never a decision that you won’t regret.

I will be 25 in three months, I need to get ready. It’s time.

Moody Days

So many things I want to say.

Bought something from Container store and re-organized my room. Finally I have a bed instead of a couch in my Upper Eastside small room. Get another closet empty for extra clothes, get a large shoe rack for most of shoes…books, papers, notebooks, everything starts to have their own space. But my fish died. My roommate said it seemed that Tango (my fish’s name) was fighting for something, but he still didn’t avoid the death. It was my bad. I always forgot to feed him, and we barely talked for a few months. I wish he could become a wonderful person in his next life, and start over a better life. Better than mine.

It’s a long weekend. I visited Kelly, who is still working in the same old place. She listened to me and expressed her solidarity. She is only 21, but could understand all my situation and support my decisions. When I was 21, I wasn’t as mature and strong as she is.  I hope two years later, I could help her with her own business. Because she deserve it. And she will succeed for sure.

Later I went to a friend’s birthday dinner, it was a buffet place with asian food, but I had no appetite. There were about 40 people gathering for her birthday, and she announced that she got engaged with her boyfriend. Some couples around me started to talk about their dream weddings. I was like a wallflower sitting at the corner, hoping no one could see me. Some people started to talk to me, “Hey are you ok?” — “Yeah, fine!” That’s it. They probably thought I was a tedious Chinese. I don’t care though.

There is never a dream wedding for me anyway, he and I will just sign and kiss each other, then travel around the whole Latin America.

I listened to Benjamin Francis Leftwich’s  “Shine” on the whole way home.

If there is a meant to be, there will be a meant to be.

“I hope you find the love that is true,  so the morning light will shine on you;

I hope you find what you are looking for, so your heart is warm forever more.”

 

I will go on. And I will wait.

 

 

 

 

 

Not Important

The other day my English teacher suddenly said: “Hi Cici, you remind me of Holly today!” Holly Golightly? The one from  “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”?–“Yes, probably because you are wearing black today.”

I was blushed. This is a thing that I am afraid of when I read. Because there is always one character in the book that drags me into her/him, making me believe that some parts of us are similar, and maybe we will have the same destiny too. Like Florentino Ariza, Scarlett O’Hara, Holden Caufield, Elizabeth, Jane Eyer, even Éponine…

I do fancy Holly Golightly. She is brave, beautiful and always knows what she wants. I wonder how life has built her like this at the age of merely 19. But this is not important.

The real meaning of this book for me is when she described her love for Jose:

“After we’re married….When we move to Rio….He knows I’m preggeres. Well, I am, Darling…. I am delighted. I want to have at least nine. I’m sure some of them will be dark—Jose has a touch of le negre, I suppose you guessed that? Which is fine by me: what could be prettier than a quite coony baby with bright green beautiful eyes? I wish, please don’t laugh—but I wish I’d been a virgin for him, for Jose…I’ve only had eleven lovers…Jose is my first non-rat romance. Oh, he’s not my idea of the absolute finito. He tells little lies and he worries what people think….he’s too prim, too cautious to be my guy ideal…I don’t like to see him run because there’s something funny-looking about him when he runs…Love should be allowed. I am all for it. Now that I’ve got a pretty good idea what it is. Because I do love Jose—I’d stop smoking if he asked me to. He’s friendly, he can laugh me out of the mean reds, only I don’t have them much any more…I take his suit to cleaner, or stuff some mushrooms, and I feel fine, just great…the answer is good things only happen to you if you are good…I’d rather have cancer than a dishonest heart.”

She had been looking for her “home” for a long time until she found Jose. But this love was only on her side. Jose left her by judging her like other people.

So Holly can only continued her life alone. Seeking freedom. Floating around the world. And she never found someone like Jose again.

Maybe it is true that something is just not that important.

 

 

Shivering

Today I am officially abandoned by my family. I lost them.

I wish I could make them proud. I’ve always wanted to. They are the ones I love the most and always trust, but today all is over.

I feel so lonely.

Life, you’ve taught me so much. I can’t take it.