Cage

It’s another time being ready for another trip.You are like reading a book when you are traveling. To explore, to learn, to feel, to embrace, to open your mind.

This time will be finally the one that I have been dreaming of, the roadtrip from San Fran to Chicago.Same as the trip that Sal and Dean took in the book On the Road,  the road is life.

 Every time before a new trip starts, I think about more. Think of those places I have been to, those people I have met.

After all these years, I have the fear of loss. Most of time I have nothing to loose, but now the situation starts to become more difficult. It’s true that one day everything will be gone, leaving a broken heart. If it is hard to take the loss, can we just stay in our own cage?

Advertisements

The Trip Home

Haven’t written anything here for a long long time. And here comes the summer of 2014.

I always say I hate how time flies- and I do…

 

S and I still talk on the phone all the time, we are still the best friends after SAN FRAN!

– I went back to my hometown in the beginning of this year, FINALLY!!

And one month ago I started a new job! I waved goodbye to Brooklyn and come back to the fashion district in Manhattan again.

 

Compare to everything that has happened last year, my life is getting so much better.You know after a forever waiting with a never give-up attitude, you start to get what you want.

 

Looking back, actually everything starts to get better after my trip home.

 

Due to stupid unconvinient transportation methods, I only stayed one week at home and another week on the road :S

Surprisingly, everyone around me starts to like me this time-It was not like that  at all five years ago. 5 years ago, most people thought I was crazy, wrong, stupid and whatever. I was never a woman to them even- my laughs was always too loud, my talks was always out of their mind, even no one cared about the little artistic part in me. But now, with an age of 25- I am really shocked that how nice everyone is. Maybe I was just too betrayal at the age of 20 and misunderstood people around me? Or maybe I came home with a New York label that just makes me look more fancy?

The first person I met in Beijing was him. Our story was too complicated to tell, well we didn’t even have time to finish it five years ago. After the talk, One of the biggest emotional baggage that I have been carrying these years has finally be taken off. He is the one who gave me that baggage and only he could discard it from my shoulder.  We were both relieved – it’s like my teenage dream has finally be fulfilled.

Later back home I met a lot of relatives, childhood friends, cousins.  Except the styles we are wearing, everyone stays the same, which is amazing. My best guy friend is still the coolest one of us all, we got super drunk together for the first time. My other guy friends all have experienced their lowest points of their lives, we didn’t share the sad stories but when the music comes up, everyone was full of tears. Sometimes you don’t need to tell about your history, you survived and you’ve won your game.One of my high school friends told me that – Cici I knew you would make it abroad one day! I just knew it. Because you were the only one who studied English crazily at that time.- I was speechless and gave him a big old hug instead.

 

Most of my cousin get engaged, married, or had kids already. I am happy to stay single as I am while also proud to be the aunt. It’s like two complete different world- my hometown and New York.

I even started to feel that the ME in new york  is the real one- while only the original me appear in my hometown. I kinda forgot how to use traditional bathroom we were using, and started to miss cheese for a few days. I started to clean out my whole baggage, and swipe off the emotional scars I had. All the doors are open, and all the walls fall.

What a break-free trip!

On the flight back to the States, I just knew that no one and nothing can bring me down again.

How I wish everyone around me would make their dreams come true.

I am so lucky to know so many nice hearted people and they deserve what they should deserve.

 

 

San Francisco

Before I met my friend S from San Francisco,  I called that place “Frisco” as  Jack Kerouac called it in his book “On the Road“. That is one of the few things I knew about the United states. I dreamt that someday I would get on Jack’s old route and drive to “Frisco” from New York.

The Beat generation impressed me about the American Culture.  However, when I really start to live in this country, it means more than that.

While it will probably take me some time to make the road trip idea come true, so I flew directly to San Francisco last week to visit S.  I missed her and I wanted to take off. She told me that though it is not proper to called her beloved city “Frisco”, I will love that place as she and Jack did.

It is true. It was my first time visited the West Coast, and I started to like that place as anybody else.

San Francisco is a hilly city, the up and down lands remind me of those lovely European cities I have been to, like Athens, Brussels, and Paris…My hometown has hills too. There was only 15 mins walking from my house to the school, but I had to climb two hills.  S drove me from the top of the hill in San Francisco,  we were sliding down the road with the top window open, and you can see the ocean at the end the road…it was so beautiful and touching. 14 years ago, it was almost the same feeling that  I rode my bike up to the top of the hill and sliding down without breaks heading to school in my little town. I was flying across my whole memory and got back my past in the West Coast.

California is so different from New York. People are more friendly and you can see sunshine in their eyes. Things are cheaper than New York and life pace is much slower.

You can lay in the park for a whole day and drinking beer or wines–same as what we can do in Europe.  California boys are so friendly that they don’t charge me ice creams and drinks when they know it was my first time in town. They also invited me to sit with them in the park when we didn’t bring blankets with us. They waved to me and smiled at me. S kept persuading me to move here so we can enjoy a beautiful life together.  I’ve never afraid of moving from one place to another, but this time somehow I insisted on staying in New York. Maybe because New York helped me survive. Or New York makes me realize how small I am so I am motivated to make life better there?

The Golden Bridge is what the first image we saw from the the Geography text book when we were in Junior school in China. That was the place where the first Chinese immigrants landed and started their life on the other side of the Pacific ocean. San Francisco has the very first Chinatown. And for hundred years, different immigrants from all over the world have come here for a golden dream.

The best part of the trip is the highway drive at Marin Headlands. The beautiful California landscape is on the right and the left side is the deep blue sea.  Couple of months ago there was a boy told me about it and said he would live to move to this place with his motorbike. I didn’t believe him but now I understand. Thanks to California for bringing the depression out of me. When we were driving in the car, looking at the beautiful scene around us, nothing is important anymore.

May life is your love paradise. You are the only one you can always rely on.

Here attached a video we took on the road:

The Fall

The first day of the fall. I saw leaves falling the whole way to my office in Brooklyn. The sun is so beautiful and everyone is wearing jacket and a nice smile. 

I started to think of those days when I was at college. There were a lot of trees in my old campus, I liked crossing among them and looking up.  I enjoyed feeling the sunshine down on me. I was too young and full of dreams, even though I didn’t really have a friend at that time.

Anyway, I am flying to San Francisco this Wednesday to visit my gal S. She just visited me in New York and I am going to visit her back, while I’ve always wanted to go to the west coast, and that is also  Jack Kerouac‘s “Frisco”. So I told my mum about it. She said : “Oh you will be so closed to home then!”  Then I realized that after being in so many places in the world, San Francisco is the closest place from home- only a pacific ocean in between.  Speaking of home, it was Chinese mid-autumn festival last week. That night I was still walking along the Park Avenue, staring at the moon above. Chinese people always say that the biggest moon of the year is on the Mid-autumn day, so it means family reunion. Chinese people also say that the moon is different if you look at it from difference places, like the one hang above your hometown is always the most beautiful one- But I never believe it, so I couldn’t wait to leave home.

One of my cousins from my hometown asked me how much is the new iphone 5s in US. I really don’t care. He cared because it might make him think that he is following the world trend. For many times I want to explain to himthat this is not what you think about the world.  The world is only big as long as your heart is big. But you cannot expect anything. Because his whole life has been and will be trapped in that small place, a new version of Iphone becomes the only thing that could make him feel better.  It has been so long and so far,  I start to loose patience when I talk to my friends at home, and even explain to my family about something that we used to be happy talking about.  I even forget what is the concept of “HOME” and “HOMESICK”. Compare to the big universe, this season is just another fall. Just like you wink your eyes, and everything will be gone.

I change my mind that I am going back to China for the Chinese new year. I decide to wait until next Spring… or Fall. 

I say that because I still don’t like myself that much. I am too heartless and too weak to go home.  But I am also doubting whether I  can really trust New York City to be my shelter.

 

 

 

Kick Me Away 把我踢开

Yes, I am 25 now. It was not a pleasant start so far.

But maybe it is OK, life is like this.

I just want to share another Chinese song here. I don’t really listen to Chinese music but there are still some great artist. Crowd Lu is my cousin’s favorite singer and this song is for everyone who get involved into an unrequited relationship.

“Unrequited” is a word that has been wrapping me for ages.

This song is called “Kick Me Away”

Lyrics:

I don’t curse at anything anymore, I act exactly like a straight-A student

The Photosynthesis is cleaning out all dusts from the room,

so you should probably like me for that;

I start to read, I start to do some research on zodiacs,

because I want every conversation to be great with you

Actually I have the sense of humor you are looking for,

so you should probably like me for that as well;

I always listen to you talking about everything,

about your happiness and sadness in life,

I am your most loyal audience and the most perfect fan,

how can you not like me for that?

Well I am just a bonsai,

I am good at being a company,

I can help filter your loneliness and bring about a healthier life.

However, I am staying at the corner of the 8th floor’s balcony,

You can only find me when you are bored.

I cannot play, I cannot move,

The only thing I see is that Love is disappearing gradually,

then I understand that I am just a weird friend of yours.

You don’t have to answer me, It is Ok to be quiet,

just feed me water, the sunshine,

it is awesome to be living in this world, really

I am just a bonsai, and I need your love too,

if you would like to,

please continue watering me,

then one day, I will become a forest to protect you.

So please, do not kick me away.

The Last Weekend

This is my last weekend of being 24 year old. Next Tuesday i will be 25.

25. Twenty-five. What an age. I have been existing for 25 years in this world already…that is a long time. I am getting old.

I’ve never imagined how my life would be like when I am 25. I wrote the 25 year old myself a letter three years ago while I was staying in Brussels. Everything has changes, but I am still not as good as I thought.

Somehow I am getting terrified. I hope this weekend will go on forever and ever. My mum sent me some pictures in which I was ten years old- that was the age my mind changed. People I met that year, places I visited that year, friends I made that year, have all posed a life-time influence on me. And they are still affecting me now.

On my 21 year old birthday, I was on the flight from Hongkong to Amsterdam– it was a one-way ticket because I knew I wouldn’t go home in a few years unless my dreams come true.

On my 22 year old birthday,the first real boyfriend in my life broke up with me and I broke my leg afterwards. I was lying in my small bed in Amsterdam and decided to move on.

On my 23 year old birthday, I was in Athens. I finally visited those god and goddess’ temples I’ve been interested in when I was a kid…I stood in front of Athena‘s Pathenon, wishing that I would never leave Europe.

Then I was 24. I was in New York. I drank with some strangers in the bar next door and went home drunkily. I was not happy, I wanted to escape from the reality and changed my life badly…

And now. What’s new?

Still waiting in the same old place. Still waiting for the “freedom”.  Still waiting for the date that I will come back home. Still waiting to be a better myself.

However, I already have lost the original me.

I knew it long time ago.

Birthday is always a torture…

The Waiting

Nothing goes well and easily– this is life, isn’t it?

You told me thousands of times about the true meaning of life. I told myself about it too. So I tried my best to toughen up and smile.

I thought I’ve always known about “the life”. About the lightness and heaviness of being. About some people’s lost and win. I shut down myself, locked the door, in order to go with my life in the way it was supposed to be.  From the moment when I was tired of a floating life (not in a free way), it was the time to change.

However, no matter how hard you try to change yourself,  the reality is the reality.

I am sick of waiting. 10 years of waiting for that plane to take off,  5 years of waiting in that row for a moment to come… Every time when you think you reach that place, the door closed.

You’ve done nothing but waited outside the closed door.

Is that true? Is that my freaking life about?

I am so done with it…I want to give up. Please. Tell me to be stronger…Who could come and tell me that?

 

The Last Month of Being 24

I still remember that night, when I was only a five year old kid, Mum and I went back to that old apartment. Standing in front of the door, I was imagining who I would become after ten years, and who I would be come after twenty years. Then I was kinda shocked by myself, because I was only 5 and there was a long long long way to go.

But I will be 25 in one month.

Hey 5 year old me, can you believe it? That 25 year is coming very soon, and this long long long way is over!

I am so scared.

Looking back at my life so far, there was a big change every 5 years. Like the year when I was 10, I went to Hongkong and Thailand, that was my first time took an airplane, the first time I realized that the world is much much bigger than my small hometown. Like the year when I was 15, I studied crazily hard and dreamt of Europe every second in my life. “I will leave this place” became the only sentence I wrote in the end of every single journal.  Like the year when I was 20, I finally left college, discarded all my unhappiness and moved to Beijing to prepare for a life abroad.

Every August is a milestone, marks how far I have gone.

But this time, it is not in a good way.

I start to hate being myself badly. I don’t think this is the 25 that I want myself to be.

So many things I haven’t done, I’ve lost too much…and I don’t even want to think about how much I have gained.

Loneliness

I start to feel lonely when I miss my dead cousin badly.

Her birthday is coming, if she was still alive, my relationship with her family would be much better.

We were very close relatives before, but now there is a huge gap that will probably never be filled.

If she was still alive, she would have a beautiful baby, and she might marry that good-looking young boy who was fond of having fun with us all the time.

If she was still alive, she might have made the most of money in her family and even flew to Europe or USA to visit me. She would share the same fashion and beauty products with me, and taught me everything about how to be a wonderful woman…

She always encouraged me because she was alway brave enough to chase the person she loved.

She has left me for almost 8 years…but I’ve never missed her this badly.

As I said, I am so lonely.

 

And the only solution is :

Work harder, Make more money…